The Beauty Of Turning 25
Words for getting through that quarter-life crisis.
written by Teyah Nichole
SHARE ON:
DISCLAIMER: The information provided is for general informational purposes only and should not be construed as legal, financial, or professional advice. Readers are encouraged to conduct their own research and consult with appropriate professionals before making any decisions or taking any actions based on the information provided in this article. Readers engage with this content at their own discretion and risk. Click here to learn more.
My Relationship With Turning 25
My 25th birthday came and went this past mid-December 2021 amid the Omicron spread in a kinda socially distanced London. I began the evening at a blues bar in Camden with two longtime friends, closing at a house party in Soho. It was intimate and fun, yet nowhere near as extravagant as my past birth anniversaries.
I wasn’t up to doing anything for my birthday this past year. I chalked this up to having survived two years in a pandemic, starting a PhD two months prior, and being in the early stages of launching W&S. I knew I was overwhelmed and thus wanted to relax in peaceful solitude. However, I wasn’t ready to admit the truth: I was in the midst of a quarter-life crisis and was scared shitless of turning 25.
On paper, I wasn’t doing too bad. I’ve single-handedly received two honors degrees (now working on my third), all while building a life in my dream country thousands of miles away from my family. That’s why I was so confused by the reality that the idea of officially being closer to 30 than 20 made me physically sick.
I’ve always been the “smart”, “driven”, “accomplished”, “has-her-shit-together” girl, and freaking the hell out about being 25 just doesn’t fit into that identity. But that’s precisely what the source of the issue was: identity. Turning 25 was scary because I worried I wasn’t who I wanted to be. More importantly, I couldn’t tell if I was on track because I still wasn’t solid on who that person was.
The anxiety of defining who I wanted to be and what I truly wanted for my life was, and still sometimes is, unnerving. Society is constantly hurling mixed messages about what a “successful” woman looks like, especially a black one. I need to be educated, but not too educated where people—particularly men— find me off-putting. I also need to be with a “good man”, regardless of how many other things I can achieve. A partnership should always be my main priority. I should be docile and agreeable but also strong and resilient. I must be curvy, but not too curvy to the point where someone might consider me fat. I should be fun, but not too fun as I don’t want people to not respect me.
“
Society is constantly hurling mixed messages about what a ‘successful’ woman looks like, especially a black one.
None of these contradictory expectations leaves breathing room for black women to unapologetically partake in authentic self-discovery. Turning 25 perfectly encapsulated these limitations for me, contributing to my inability to truly feel grounded in reaching this new stage in life. There were so many complicated feelings about what my next quarter of life should represent, and I was so fearful that I would fail. The funny thing is that I can’t even point out what I would be failing at because I didn’t take the time to ignore the noise and listen to my inner voice. I was so worried about being “a good black woman” on paper I wasn’t good with myself on the inside. Therefore, when it came time to assess how I felt about reaching the milestone of turning 25, I had no idea where to begin.
Luckily, things have changed. Eighth months, two breakdowns and one new therapist later, I’ve finally come to terms with myself and my age. I’ve realized that having any specific thing accomplished at any age is bullshit. I am on my own journey, and the only person I need to compare myself to is who I was yesterday. We all, especially us racialized women, must break free from those unfair expectations that keep us stunted in our paths to self-actualization.
For some of us, that might mean quitting that job we never liked, trying that hairstyle that our parents never let us have, dumbing the “ideal” partner who makes us miserable, or many other things. It was changing my lifestyle habits and opting to live slowly and be mindful in my company. I’ve never been happier or more content with who I am. I could have never reached this point if I wasn’t willing to take control and not allow my quarter life to be defined by anyone else but myself.
Underrated Things That Happen When Turning 25
Okay, at this point, some of you might be saying, “okay, that’s great she’s gotten her shit together, but what does that have to do with my quarter-life crisis?” Well, anyone who knows me knows I love data. I’m a researcher, after all, and a lot of important research has gone into understanding human beings at this stage in life.
One of the most moving for me was learning about how the frontal cortex develops. The frontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for aiding our memory, attention, judgment, and many other vital functions key to survival. This part of the brain doesn’t finish developing or reach “maturation” until a person turns 25 on average. This means one of the most essential parts of our brains is just beginning to reach its full potential.
In my opinion, this matters for two key reasons. First, it indicates that we should give ourselves more grace for who we were and what we were (or were not) able to accomplish before turning 25. The idea that we’re adults at 18 is an arbitrary notion not backed by any scientific rationale. Therefore, the idea that we need to have our lives figured out by the time we reach our quarter-life is super weird and not reflective of the actual human developmental process. In this way, we can give ourselves room to start this new period of our lives in loving, understanding that we’re not behind but ideally in sync with our bodies.
Most Read from Society & Culture
Second, this demonstrates that our mistakes before this age are not necessarily okay but should be expected. I mean, giving young adults whose brains are not fully developed the same adult responsibilities and freedoms as those who are is bound to wreak some havoc. I would argue that many of us have empathy for young adults around us when it comes to this but often lack to extend this empathy to ourselves (myself included). We must therefore practice putting our mistakes into perspective, learning from them, and not allowing them to strain our self-esteem. Especially when we’re living in a world where no one is perfectly innocent or perfect, just human.
Another essential thing to remember amid your quarter-life crisis is the rapidly shifting socio-economic environment we millennials and gen z's live that is entirely unaligned with those of our parents and grandparents whose expectations of what 25 should look for us derive from. In other words, the world of our grandparents wasn't one of multiple pandemics, market crashes and recessions, a climate crisis, and exponential technological advancement all happening concurrently. We can't be prisoners to standards created in a world that could've never imagined our current one.
“
We can't be prisoners to standards created in a world that could've never imagined our current one.
According to recent data, Millennials are putting off marriage at rates higher than generations prior, with only 26% of us participating in this traditional relationship structure. Even more, most Millennial women are not giving birth before age 25, with many women not becoming mothers until their 30s and 40s. Gen Z seems to be following the trend of restructuring the family, with rates of sexual activity and dating in deep decline compared to previous generations. Gen Z and Millennials are also equally opting for more education than previous generations, with many adults not finishing their higher education and starting full-time employment until their early to mid-20s.
The point here is that times are changing, and our ideas and conceptions about what we should accomplish by a certain age must reflect that. Turning 25 for Millennials and Gen Z does not mean we should have everything set in stone. It's actually just the beginning of adulthood, not just neurologically but socio-economically too, in many ways. Perhaps, if we treated 25-year-olds with the same grace and understanding as we give to teenagers, we'd be in a lot better shape and have fewer quarter-life crises on our hands.
Wondering why you’re seeing ads? Check out our Disclosure Policy.
Things I Learned Before Turning 25
Once I came to terms with entering my quarter life, I could truly reflect on what I had learned so far. Unsurprisingly, there were many things that I came to understand about life and my own womanhood that I simply needed lived experience to understand. Here are six of them:
1.
My identity is NOT defined by my material accomplishments.
Who we are is not defined by our titles. We are all complex, multifaceted beings with much to offer the world beyond what’s productive for capitalism. It’s a bit cheesy, but it’s essential to understand that we don’t need to chase validation through titles above all else. We always risk losing ourselves and our joy when doing so, and it’s simply not worth the risk!
2.
Being single is sometimes the best way to go.
Being unpartnered as a woman can be one of the most radical, liberating things you can do. It’s easy to fall into the trap of finding a man above all else. Still, there is much to be gained from letting romantic love be the subplot of your overall life story.
Most American women’s freedoms aren’t guaranteed, and it’s our feminist duty to ensure that we exercise our right to choose as much as possible. When we do, many of us might find that romantic partnership isn’t what we truly want for ourselves or how we desire to define our early lives, and that’s more than okay.
What’s more, for those of us who want to be married or monogamously partnered, the healthiest, most fulfilling romantic relationships tend to come from two people who’ve made a lot of introspection and self-discovery that’s often hard to do when you’re in the throws of a long-term relationship at such a young age (especially women).
I’ve used my early 20s to figure my shit out. I’ve obviously made mistakes, but I’m more than happy with my decision. By not letting romantic relationships with men dictate my self-worth or identity, I’ve been able to accomplish so much more than I feel that I otherwise would’ve. Of course, this may not be true for everyone, but it was true for me and worth mentioning.
3.
It’s okay to lose friends.
We’ve talked about losing friends here at W&S, so I won’t elaborate too much here. However, I think it’s safe to say not all friends are forever and thank goodness for that! We are constantly changing and becoming more in tune with who we want to be, which means we sometimes lose some people. It’s not the end of the world, especially in the first quarter of our lives. Allow lost friends to be lessons learned, and don’t sweat it too much.
4.
Be selective about whose opinion you take into consideration.
Not everyone’s opinion matters on every matter. My current rule of thumb when it comes to taking advice or people’s opinions to the heart is this: does this person have the competence, experience, and/or reflect what I want out of this situation? If the answer is no, they have no place in my head when making that decision.
Stop taking dating advice from people who don’t align with your fundamental values on what romance looks like. No more considering people’s views on career and finance who don’t have their work and money settled in a way that you’d want yours to be. Who cares if someone thinks your ambitions aren’t worthwhile when they’ve never taken chances on their own? Drown out the noise and tune in to what serves you only.
5.
Being nice is NOT the same as being good.
Niceness has nothing to do with showing up in a way that best serves you or your vision for the world. Like most women, I had to learn that constantly kissing ass above all else will get you nowhere. As a woman, you’re never going to win when you accept patriarchal expectations that women should be kind no matter what.
Ditch the nice-girl act and get real. Being angry, sad, disappointed, or fed up is okay. Women deal with a lot, and we must learn to show up authentically in our experiences. Being liked is not the same as being respected or seen, and we should shoot for the latter, not the former. Get used to being unfairly disliked. It’s an inevitable part of the whole womanhood thing!
Wondering why you’re seeing ads? Check out our Disclosure Policy.
6.
Being a woman means having a body that’s constantly changing.
My body has taken on many different shapes and sizes since I became a legal adult. I gained a lot of weight in my late teen years due to mental health stresses but lost all of it and then some when I reached my early 20s. I felt GREAT but had no idea that all of that would change.
As I reached 23-24 years of age, I noticed that my metabolism was starting to slow down and that maintaining a healthy diet and exercise was no longer keeping me thin like I was used to. This is often referred to as “second puberty”, where woman’s bone mass and muscle strength reach their maximum capacity.
Women also tend to gain more fat during this time compared to their teen years. This is a typical sign of fertility and vitality for women and nothing I should have ever felt ashamed of. According to my doctor, my levels are normal, and so is my weight for my frame size. Thus, a little bloating or extra few pounds is nothing to worry about.
I’ve now promised myself that I don’t want to be someone who didn’t enjoy her young adult life because I was constantly afraid of my body changing or thought there was something wrong with it all the while it’s functioning the way it should. We never get these young bodies again, so we must take full advantage of what we’re working with now while we can!
The Bottom Line on Turning 25
It’s totally normal to feel a little afraid when you’ve reached your quarter life, but that fear doesn’t have to be immobilizing and it certainly doesn’t need to last forever. Enjoy this phase of your life— getting old is a wonderful gift that not everyone gets to experience.
